Ishq da Dhaaba

Zindagi jhand hai phir bhi ghamand hai, charo aur ladkiya hai phir bhi haatho mein………. hai.
Sheher mein rehta to ghamand ko kayi baar thes pahunchta. Yehi soch kar mai wapas apne gaon Chamiyatown chala aaya. Socha koi dhanda shuru kar lunga. Sheher ne do hi cheez sikhaya tha - ghodo par betting aur doosro ki setting. Betting ke paise abb setting se doogna karne ke vichar se mai gaon mein ek pyaar ka consultant bana.

Bhaai maamla simple tha. Launde ko chahiye laundiya aur laundiya ko chahiye launde par inn me se kisi ko nahin aata tha patane ke fundey. To mai inhi masumo ke maseeha banke pahunch gaya.

Abb gaon mein TVC, radio spot, print ad, poster, dangler, loha lasoon prakaar ke advertising to hoti nahin. To mai bhopu lekar shuru ho gaya

Deviyo aur sajjano
Suniye suniye aur sunte jaiyye
Intezar ki ghadi hui khatam
Mohabbat ke kaksha mein abb aap aayenge pratham
Ameer ho ya gareeb
Hamesha hoga koi na koi kareeb
So kholiye dil ka darwaza
And say shaava shaava
Kyunki aa gaya hai aapka maseeha
Ishq da dhaaba

Iske saath maine bajaye gaon ka most romantic gaana “Khulla hai mera pinjra aa meri maina, chura na aise ankhiya ladne de naina, Haaaaaaaaaaan”

Mere pehle grahak the Humraaz gang ke leader Abbas Stepneywaala.

Abbas – aur hero dhanda kaise chal raha hai
Me – bas bhaai dua hai aapki
Abbas – yaar bas bhaai se dua hi lega ki kuch dega bhi
Me – hukum kijiye bhaai

Abbas Bhaai mere table par padey kuch ex and y Miss Chamiyatown ki photos ko dekhne lagey.

Abbas – yeh laundiya jawan lagti hai, kitne ki hai
Me – ji pachhis ki
Abbas – sau ya hazar
Me – ji matlab
Abbas – abbey pachhis sau ki ya pachhis hazar ki
Me – ji yeh pachhis saal ki hai
“Abbey rate bata”

Me(clearing my throat) – sir mai date set karta hun rate nahin
Abbas – abbey kamaal karta hai. Dukaan ka naam hai dhaaba aur jab khaane ka daam poocha to mana karta hai

Me - ji aapko galat faimi hui, mai yahan ladkiyo ke saath setting karwaata hun. Agar aapko kisi se pyaar hai to mai aapki setting karwa sakta hun.

Abbas (disappointed) – bhakk saala. Pyaar. Abbey pyaar to humko har doosre din hota hai. Aur setting to hum khud ki karwa sakta hai. Ladki ke ghar do hazar bhej deta hun. Maani to theek, nahin to uthwa leta hun.

Me (in a very phati huyi condition) – sahi karte hai bhaai. Aap mahaan ho bhaai. Par kya hai har koi aap jaisa nahin hai na. isliye unki madad ke liye maine yeh dukaan khola hai.

Abbas bhaai left with dejection. Pehla grahak disappointed. Bad omen. But himmat nahin haara maine.

Doosra grahak tha gaon ka sabse coolest playboy. Naam tha Jhaikisan Sharafat

Aate hi bole “call me Jhak”

Jhak – Bhattsaab doodh
Me – Humra naam Bhatt nahin, aur naahi hum doodh bechte hain
Jhak – ha ha ha. You coming from city. Your spoken English is ssit.
Me – to aaapko koi
Jhak – yo man. English talk to me. Hindi is below aukaat.
Me – ok. So do you like anyone?
Jhak – girl name Rita, sister name Sita, mother name Sangeeta, and babuji sells pheeta. Aur usi ne mera dil hai jeeta
Me (after cracking the riddle) – babuji ne?
Jhak – Ritaaaaaaaaaaaa Rita you fool
Me – so do you love her?
Jhak – no no no. her body big. Backside bigger. I want the girl. Ma babuji want bachha. Total mamla sex mein nipta.
Me – sorry but I don’t deal with sex. I will help only if you are in love.
Jhak – abbey jaa winner kahin ka
Me (dumbfounded) – winner?!? Are you trying to call me a loser?
Jhak – abbey tu kaahe ka loser tuney to abb tak virginity bhi lose nahin kiya hoga. To tu kahe ka loser.

Yeh keh ke Jhak humara jhak marwa ke nikal liye. Sar phat chukka tha aur pichwada chipak chukka tha. Itne mein ek bewde ne kadam rakha. Andar aaye aur bade pyaar se apne tashreef ko kursi par rakh diya.

Me – ji mai kaise aapki seva kar sakta hun
Bewda – ek chicken tandoori, ek kaleji fry aur paanch naan. Aur thande mein kya hai?
Me – ji yeh koi dhaaba nahin hai
Bewde – abbey bewda maar ke baitha hai kya. Baahar itna bada board mein likha hai.
Me – ji yeh ishq ka dhaaba hai
Bewda – ishq? Veg hai ya non-veg

Kisi tarah apne gusse ko shaant kar mai uss bewde ko baahar nikaala. Thaka hara mai wapas apni kursi par baitha ki woh balkhaate huye aa gayi. Chamiyatown ki highest TRP waali Miss Baaki Sawant.

Baaki – ji my name ijj Baaki
Me – of course aapko kaun nahin jaanta. Kahiye mai kaise aapki……
Baaki – Ji mai Jejus pe bahut trust karti hun. Jejus ne hamesha mera saath diya. Jesus har dookh mein mere saath rehte hai. Jejus nahin hotey to main nahin hoti. Kal raat Jejus mere sapne mein aaye, boley aapke dukan mein mujhe Jejus jaisa ladka milega. To mai aapke dukaan mein Jejus jaisa ladka dhundne aayi hun.
Me – ji yeh to thoda tough hai
Baaki – dekjhiye agar aap meri help nahin karenge to Jejus bahut naraaz honge.
Me (dharam sankat mein) – dekhiye waise to ek ladka hai. Aaj ke yug mein wahi Jejus hai.

Baaki – kya naam hai
Me – TRP
Baaki – ji?
Me – Aaj ke date mein TRP hi bhagwan hai, wahi decide karta hai kaun jeeta kaun haara, kaun hit hai kaun flop hai. Aapke liye TRP is sabse apt hoga. Mai jald hi aapka setting karwaata hun.

Baaki Sawant khush ho gayi apni cleavage ki ek jhalak dikhakar chali gayi.Woh dekh mere totey udd gaye, saath mein ande bhi le gaye. Dil mein dhande ko aage badhane ki hui tarang.

Aa gaye agle grahak. Pyaar mein harey huye ek bhooke sher. Naam tha inka Khaskar Laundry.

Me – to Khaaskar ji, kya karte hai aap
Khaaskar – Ji mai chitrakaar hun
Me – waah lajawab. To kahiye aapko kissey pyaar hai
Khaaskar – ji pyaar par se to mera vishwas uth gaya hota, agar woh naa aayi hoti.

Mere wann mein hiran
Mere darkness ki kiran
Woh hai mere pyaar ka bubble
Jiske saath mai hona chahta hun double

Me – Bhaai waah, aap chitrakaar kam aur lekhak zyaada maloom padhte hai

Khaskar – Ji bas raunchypana jab hadd se guzar jaaye to gaa lete hai
Ladkiyo ke baap ke land par shabdo ke ped gaad dete hai
Me – Ji aapke aawaz ne to mujhe Rafi sahab ki yaad dila di
Khaaskar – Khamosh!!! Dobara aisi baatein mat karma, warna mai tumhe friend-list se hata dunga.
Me – ok ok relax. To naam kya hai aapke iss bubbleti kiran ka
Khaskar – Naam mat pooch. Itna pyaar hai ki zubaan par naam nahin laa sakta
Me – kamsekam tasveer to hogi
Khaskar – ji nahin
Me – kamal hai. Pyaar karte ho aur tasveer bhi nahin hai
Khakar (annoyed) – kya Majnu ke paas Laila ki tasveer thi, Kya Ranjhe ke paas Heer ki tasveer thi, Kya Bappa ke paas Bappi ki tasveer thi

Me – acha naraaz mat hoiyye. Kam se kam pata to batiye
Khaskar – yaahan se meelo durr ek gaon hai jiska naam hai
Khanak-churi. Wahin rehti hai woh.
Me – Khaskar ji. Aapka pyaar mujhe sachha lagta hai, aapka saath mujhe achha lagta hai. Mai aapki madad zaroor karunga. Hum kal ki Khanakchuri jaayenge. Ek baar mai mil lun. Phir aapki setting guaranteed.

Khaskar ji prasann huye aur jaate jaate Kishore Da ka ek geet suna gaye.

Shaam ho gayi thi. Dukaan bandh karne ka waqt ho gaya tha. Mai bas nikalne ki taiyyari kar hi raha tha ki, aa gaye ek aur grahak. Naam tha inka Toy Toota.

Toy – Ji hum Toy hai
Me – To kahiye Toy Ji kisne aapko chaabi ki
Toy – Ek Bangaali ladki ne. Naam hai Beerpina Dorkaar
Me – Waah kya madhosh naam hai. Koi tasveer hai aapke paas
Toy – Ji mere blog pe hai. Aapke yahan net connection hai?
Me – ji hai. Link bataiye
Toy – bullkiraakh.slogspot.com
Me – waah kya naam hai
Toy – achha jab aapne blog khola hi hai to mere kahani padh ke phatafat ek comment kijiye na
Me – ji zaroor padhunga, pehle aap apni kahani to bataiye
Toy – arey main kahan bhaaga jaa raha hun. Padhiye comment kijiye phir baat karte hai

Cut to 4 posts par comment maarne ke baad

Me (pareshan ho kar) – Toy ji abb to bataiyye. Koi tasveer hai aapke paas
Toy Ji ne tasveer nikaal ke saamne rakh diya
Me – Toy Ji beer ki nahin beerpeene waali ki tasveer dikhaiye

Finally Toy Ji ne apne album mein kaafi ladkiyo ke tasveero mein se ek tasveer nikal ke diya.

Allah kasam ladki to bambilaak maal thi. Toy Ji jaise jaise uske bare bolne lage, humara charitra waise waise phisalta gaya.

Kahani ke anth tak humey beerpeene waali se pyaar ho gaya. Phir humara professionalism jaag utha. Humey laga ki yeh dukaan humne doosro ke bhalai ke liye khola hai. Lekin phir humne socha ki agar dhande mein munafa na ho to dhande ka fayda kya. To humne Toy Ji ka patta kaatna shuru kiya.

Me – Toy ji, bura mat maniye par humko laundiya theek nahin lagi
Toy – kaahe?!? kaisi baatey kar rahe ho, ladki to achhi hai
Me – Kahan Toy Ji? Ladki kitni peeti hai, peene ke baad kitna bakwas karti hogi. Abb aap to samjhenge, kal ko gharwaalo ko tang karegi, phir mohalle waalo ko. Aisi ladki ke saath..
Toy – bakwas aap kar rahe hai. Uske bare bura mat kahiye. Woh meri Dorkaar hai.
Me – Toy Ji, zara apne hunar ko pehchaniye. Aap itne jaane mane blogwriter hai, aapke dil mein hi nahin album mein bhi ladkiyo ki bheed hai. Aap chahe to kya kuch nahin kar sakte. Arey aap jis par ungli rakhenge wahi pategi. In fact aapke liye mere nazar mein ek bahut hi khoobsoorat ladki hai. Naam hai Kateena Saif

Jiss tarah loha lohe ko kaat-ta hai, usti tarah ek khoobsurat ladki hi doosre khoobsurat ladki ka patta kaat sakta hai. Kateena ne patta kaata. Uski tasveer ne maano Toy ke dil ko chaata. Toy khusi se hua paagal. Dobara uske aankho ke saamne chaa gaya pyaar ke baadal.

Toy – yehi yehi chahiye mujhe. Aap bhagwaan ho. Mohabbat ke farmaan ho, nahane ka saaman ho. Mujhe isi ladki ke saath setting karni hai.

Toy Ji ko maine kiya setting ka waada. Toy Ji khush hokar chale gaye. Humne bhi apne dukaaan ka shutter down kiya. Subah jaldi uthna bhi to tha. Aakhir Khaaskar Ji ki setting bhi to karwani thi. Par dil khush tha, kyunki aaj mujhe mere dhande ki taakt samajh aayi. Mohabbat karne waalo abb to tumhaari shaamat aayi.

…………………………to be continued