No Stags Allowed

(No actual animals are being insulted here)

Ek ladka tha deewana sa
Do chaar ladkiyon pe woh marta tha
Nazre jhuka kar, zubaan par taala laga kar
Unka number dial kiya karta tha
Jab bhi milta tha mujhse
Mujhse poocha karta tha
Yeh disc mein entry kyun nahin milti
Inn discs mein entry kyun nahin milti
Aur mai sirf yehi keh paata tha……..

No songs followed, although he was a good singer. My dear friend - Stag. He studied in a co-ed school and then moved into a creative profession, yet no girlfriends, is a commendable record. No, he definitely wasn’t an introvert. In fact his outrageously bold sense of humor can put the stalwarts of extrovert to shame.

There are 10 steps to woo a girl. Step 1 to 9 helps in charming the woman and the 10th step is where you express your love – an excerpt from Joy’s Touching Tales of Wooing Days. Stag climbed the 9 steps at a fantastic speed, but somehow the 10th step was too high for him. He sang but not the correct songs. He danced, but not to the correct tune. He played, but not the right game.

But he wasn’t a loser. I am saying not because he’s a friend, but because a lot of women approached him in various ways. But Stag didn’t give in to their seduction. Aferall he had the ego of a first-timer which didn’t succumb to the lurid enigma.

One day a ray of light entered his dark world and my friend Stag was no more. He had found himself a doe. He had broken all shackles. After 27 years finally he got the pass to enter a discotheque.

It was a beautiful evening when a few of us went to a dance party. Stag hit the floor with his doe. Men, women, and all the other animals were awe-struck. Initially the absorbed it with a pinch of salt, but their chemistry changed everyone’s perception. And then..........it happened......

When you are used to a certain thing for 27 years, it’s tough to forgo it. Stag wasn’t used to dancing with a woman. After a few moves he moved towards a man, who reciprocated and moved towards Stag and eventually stag’s moves moved a lot of eyelids. But his doe wasn’t moved with this movement of emotion.

Stag was ashamed of himself, he decided to change. To get rid of his compatibility with men, he decided to spend more time with women. Now as I said earlier, Stag performed exceptionally well in climbing steps 1 to 9. It was the 10th step where he faltered. Now things had changed. He was the rage on the 10th step. His wooing capabilities, gave the proudest Casanova a run for his money. He became the talk of the farm. Hundreds of friend requests on Facebook, tagged in photos in over 1000 profiles. Stag had undone his past.

But in the process he distanced his doe. She couldn’t take it anymore. She let him go. Stag was shattered. He tried to explain his innocence. But Facebook spoke volumes of his innocence. Now, stag was alone once again. The 10th step again distanced itself. Stag was regaining his virginity. He tried to come out of it, he tried to woo several women, but his confidence gave way to frustration and desperation.

It had become too much for Stag to handle. He started dinking a lot. He befriended the Old Monk. He imprisoned himself within his house. He read Sidney Sheldon and listened to Altaf Raja all day. This was when I stepped in. I told him to go out and drink rather than being a lonesome 9th step-pro. It was tough to help him redeem but one day the procrastination ended. He broke all inhibitions and went out to have a drink.

He remembered his favourite place, where he and deer and spent momentous occasions. To revive those moments he went there. The watchman, the bouncer, everyone knew him. But, just as he was about to enter, the watchman stopped him and showed the signboard which read

NO STAGS ALLOWED