Uthlo bayi to Kotok (Cuttack) jayi – Part 1

It’s a proverb in Bengali which means – you plan a trip just before the ‘Scheduled Departure’.

Year 2003 – Pune

Culprits – Brandy, Bhajji, Apart, Casanova, Backstabber, CMKT, Firangi, Asshole, Bigboss (a tribute to our favourite brand of condoms) and me

The backdrop:

Our 2nd Unit Test just got over, we had booze, cards and of course a never-ending stock of ‘Faf’. As we entered the 3rd round of Booze and Bakchodi my door bell rang. It was our dear friend Asshole, who had a plan. “Let’s go to Sinhgad Fort”, he screamed. We looked at the watch - 1 am, perfect time to lose our mind.

The trip:

Vroommmm vrooooooom vrrroooooooom. That’s all our neighbours must have heard. 5 bikes set out to cruise the fuckall roads of Pune. On the way we stopped at Khadakvasla at 4 am. Ideally it should have been a 90 min drive, but thanks to the fabulous road-sense of Asshole and Backstabber, we discovered a lot more about Pune than we should have. As we were fafing on the banks, CMKT got a call he couldn’t ignore. Nature’s Call.

Q - When all you see around, is open verdant space, how do you answer nature’s call?

Ans. – Run as far as you can from eyesight.

Suddenly Asshole got a call from home, and the asshole had to leave. Now 10:5 is a good ratio. Can’t say the same for 9:4. We had to drop the idea of ‘Sunrise at Sinhgad’ and return. Now there were 3 of us sitting on Apart’s bike, Bhajji the driver, Bigboss and myself. On the way Firangi and Apart came up with a brilliant (uss waqt laga tha) idea. “Let’s go to Budhwar Peth”. For people who’ve never been to Pune, let me tell you I am talking about the red-light area of Pune. But ya it’s nothing as compared to ‘Shona Gachi’ of Kolkata (Kolkata Rocks!!!). Now, of the 9 leftover culprits 4 felt it’s a perilous idea. But 5 of us thought, it was the perfect age for such perils.

So we turned our bikes towards BP. I had never been more excited in life; actually all of us were except Bhajji who was driving a Pulsar 180 (actually it was a Pulsar 150 with a sticker of '180' on it), with his balls getting crushed against the petrol tank. Chants of ‘Budhwar Peth here I come’ and ‘Don’t worry whores the pricks are here’ filled the air. Once we entered the BP vicinity, we experienced an adrenaline rush. This time it wasn’t the BP peril, instead was created by a couple of cops who stopped us. Three people on a bike, no license, no helmets, little bit drunk, enough reasons for a night behind bars. Par jab tak dimag chalega humaari saanse chalegi.

“Kuthe” –the cop asked. “Sir Sasoon Hospital” Apart answered. One good thing Brandy did in his life was he gave me the visiting card of a highly respected Shiv Senani. I flagged it out to the cop. “This is our uncle, his son and my dear friend is admitted in the hospital.” The cops had no other choice but to let us go. With pride and alacrity in out heart we drove home and promised never to talk about that night to anyone.

5 drunk Jr. College students, caught in BP. Not one of the gossips, we’d like to be a part of.

P.S. – Sorry Bhajji, Apart, Bigboss, and Casanova.

Random thoughts of an I-don't-want-to-be-committed guy.

Zindagi ke niyamo ko Khuda hi jaane
Jab talash thi ek saathi ki
Koi saath na tha
Aur ab jab akelepan bhaa ne lagi
To akelapan na raha

The late night parties, the late night conversations
When nothing could demise our temptation
Was it simply a dream?
Funny but now it seems like a divine scheme

Kitna mushkil hota hai faisla lena
Ye dimaag ke kiss taar ko dil ne cheda
Kya saboot hai ki wo alag hai unn sabse
Jinn ulfato ko bhoolane ki koshish kar raha hun kabse

When destiny has administered all my decisions
Then why give me the I’ll-decide-provision
Tell me destiny, is she the answer to my prayers
Or is she no different from you angels, who left me in despair

Na yeh koi jung hai na mai koi sipahi
Jo anjaam ki parwah kiye bina jaari rakhu ye ladhai
Par mann mei kabhi kabhi ek ajeeb si chinta utpann hoti hai
Kya mera beeta hua kal har kal se bewafai karega

May be its time to move on, to forgive the past
To do things, that leaves an impression that can't be surpassed
Let’s create new moments, let’s sing new songs
Let’s forget the past, let’s go where we belong

Love cannot be created nor destroyed. It can only be forwarded from one person to another.

Damm! I didn’t do that. Never forwarded my love or affection to anyone. And here I am today, without friends, without anyone I can love. I am more than ashamed to break this news to you dear ‘Family & Friends’, that I don’t love you nor do I care for you.

A few days back I had a lot of friends and I loved my family as well. But then, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I forgot to share a sob story.

It was a Monday evening when I received an I-decide-what-you-deserve-mail in my inbox. It was a story about a couple who faced the worst hurdles one can imagine. That story broke my heart and left me in tears. As any other mortal creature I don’t keep anything that makes me sad or gloomy. So I deleted that mail. No sooner did I click ’Delete’ than a realisation dawned upon me. The last line of the mail.

“If you love someone, send this mail to 25 people, or you’ll lose everyone you love. “

Boy, how could I’ve missed that? How can I be so careless that I ignore the one mail which could have proved my love for others?

‘Friends & Family’, if you are reading this I would like to apologise for my carelessness and hope you guys forgive me for my sanity.

Or you can all delete such I-decide-what-you-deserve-mails so that none of us are left with any one we love. That would be the mark of a fresh beginning to humanity and sanity.

(picture courtesy - www.static.squidoo.com)

Mera Bharat mahaan…….

Ye hain Hindustaan meri jaan
Yahan dakshin hai uttar se anjaan

Yahan har rajya ki hai ek apni bhasha
Bhool jaate hai, ki kya hai rashtriya bhasha

Sharab ke vigyapan se hume sankoch hai
Par ‘dry day’ ke din har gali, bas isi ki khoj hai

Rashtriya geet ka ched-chad inhe pasand nahin
Par usey likhne waale ka naam inhe yaad nahin

Koi Assam ka banda dhang ki hindi bol de
To hum kehte hai “Bhaiya tum Assam ke ho nahin sakte”

Ma aur behno ko hum bahut izzat dete
Afsoos, unka sabse zyaada zikr hum gaaliyon mein hi karte

Sarkaar ko gaali dene mein koi peeche nahin rehta hai
Par election ke din vote dene bas sattawan pratishad hi jaata hai

Mirza Gaalib aur Munshi Premchand ko hum sab hai jaante
Par bache aaj bhi T.S. Elliot ki zubaan hai kehte

Angrezi filmo se chapne ko ‘Copycat’ kehte hai
Par hindi filmo ki duniya ko aaj bhi ‘Bollywood’ kehte hai

Jinn videshi khiladiyon ka hum tiraskaar karte hain
IPL mein unhi ke liye hum seeti bajate hain

Basath saal pehle humne angrezo ko nikaala tha
Ye keh kar ki ‘wo yahan ke nahin hai’
Aaj har state se koi nikal raha hai
Yeh sochkar ki ‘wo yahan ke nahin hai’

Dastak!!!

Viraaniyon mei goonjti thi dastak
Akelepan ko door karti thi dastak

Jinki aawaz se khushnuma thi mehfil
Aaj unhi yaadon mei uljhi hui dastak

Har mod har simt fir fanaa ho gayi
Adaavat se bhari jo aayi thi dastak

Wo ulfat thi ya thi zindagi ki kashmakash
Aaj bhi chaunk jaata hun jab aati hai dastak

Kabhi hum bhi shumar the deewano ki ginti mei
Par aaj koi nahin deta iss dil pe dastak

My husband made me a prostitute.

But he didn’t have to force me. I volunteered myself. Initially my family and my in laws had a problem, but now they’ve adjusted to my new lifestyle.

In my profession I get to meet various kinds of people everyday, mostly brats and unsatisfied husbands. The more I see them the more my heart fills with pride, because I know my husband would never do something like this.

A few months back I hated prostitutes, obviously then I’d never thought I would become one. But now my perception has changed. It gives me a new name everyday, not to mention a new man as well.

The pimp who gave me this job makes sure I sleep with safe customers. He even suggested I undergo tubectomy, to avoid any sort of hindrance. I am considering his suggestion but I guess I’ll have to take my husband’s permission. But I’ll have to wait for it, because he doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t talk to anyone. He is in coma. The doctor says he needs to be operated within 2 months. We’ve sold our houses, our cars. Our parents are too old to work. With the education I have, prostitution wasn’t the only option, but I chose it, because it was the highest paid.

Sometimes I wish he hadn’t left for the party that Saturday. That’s when the truck hit him. My doctor says his spinal cord had been shattered, and it’s a miracle that he survived.

I am sure this isn’t the future he had planned for me, but I don’t mind living it. May be I die everyday, but I’m sure my husband will live one day.



It’s your family who’ll pay the price.
Don’t drink and drive.

Issued in public interest by the author of this blog.

You are no longer the same person.

We change as soon as we say, “Mera placement ho gaya”, only to realise that we’ve turned a lot of eyes green. People who we stayed with, people who've cleaned our homes after a Saturday night party (let’s not forget there’s many who puke). Such people develop a new talent ‘Back-biting’. I am sure we’ve all heard quotes like “Zyaada bhao mat kha” or “maloom hai ab tu bada aadmi ban gaya hai”, when you know none of that is true.

“You can take shit till you can handle it, once the line is crossed you give it back.”

That’s when you become a no-longer-the-same-person.

But, things get worse when you start working. You miss out on parties, evening faf-talks, latest gossips and of course you are always late for your date. There are times when you refuse to go to a party, just because you have an early morning meeting the next day. Your friends feel that your priorities have changed. What they fail to realise is that, it’s not the priorities that have changed but, your responsibilities have increased.

There are times love birds break-up just because they don’t find time for each other. At least that’s what they like to believe. People wit a gigantic ego can’t accept the fact that their guy /girl has started earning before them. Things go worse when he / she calls, and you say “hey honey I am in the middle of an important meeting, I’ll call you as soon as it’s over.” Then onwards you are no longer an understanding or a caring person. Hence you are no longer the same person.

Initially I thought such things happen with everyone, but later I realised a little bit of maturity and patience can help you survive the transition period.

So I guess once you start earning you do lose a lot, your party-animal recognition, important parties where you speak not so important facts, always-there-for-you pals and if it’s a worst case scenario you lose you sanity.

But, these are the times that make you realise the true gems of your life. Friends who always understood you, who never asked more than one question, who understood your responsibilities and was matured enough to give you the much need space. Well I guess they are same people who know so well that for them you’ll always remain the same person.